The Guardian reader’s guide to making sure your child doesn’t fit in at school

ARE you a middle-class parent who wants to make their child seem pretentious and unusual when they go back to school? Follow our guide.

Give them a weird packed lunch

Include things like carrot sticks, Swedish fish balls and artisan oat bran powder. It’s doubly healthy because no other child will swap flageolet bean salad for Monster Munch.

Make them look ridiculous

Perhaps an ethnic hat with earflaps for boys, or a dress for girls that looks as if they’ve timewarped from the 1970s. Also acceptable: sandals, dungarees, anything you made yourself from a sack.

Give them terrible advice about bullies

If confronted by a bully, instruct your child to say something like: “You are disrespecting my educational rights as a citizen of this school.” This will end the bullying right there and then.

Buy them too much educational equipment

Guardian children should have to lug bags heaving with protractor sets, packed pencil cases and extra textbooks they won’t actually need. These can then be thrown onto the roof of the science block by older hard children.

Coach them to ask annoying questions

Give your kids homeschooling in which they are encouraged to constantly demand more knowledge, causing them to drive real teachers up the wall with questions like “How many types of wasp are there?” and “Why is there a sky?”

Make sure they share your dreary ethical concerns

There’s nothing busy teachers like more than a miniature Guardian reader asking “Does the school have a policy on biodegradable cups?”.

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